My Crazy Beautiful Life

Now I know Kesha is by no means a thought provoking lyricist. Yet somewhere in between peeking through holes in the wall and brushing her teeth with bottles of jack, she actually has a song that helped me change my life.

Wow, that is dramatic, and maybe I am giving her a little too much credit. The song in question is titled "Crazy Beautiful Life" and is about just that. It is a song about how she loves her life, no matter what people say about it. I listened to that song, singing along, then realized that I did not. I didn't love my life, crazy, beautiful or otherwise. I thought about this for a while, and realized that I really did not like my life, I wasn't happy. I was living somewhere I didn't want to live, working a job I didn't love anymore, and pining after dreams I waited to magically fulfill themselves. This really bummed me out, so I did what any sane person would do; I quit my job, left my house, and ran off to be a tree planter. I failed miserably. I spent a few weeks after that fairly depressed. I had taken a chance and tried to change my life, but yet again I was left with a life that was not beautiful, maybe a little crazy though. I went through some really low points after that, thinking I had been completely stupid to try and change my life. Yet, I decided to keep bumbling along and eventually things have started to turn around.

Through a series of wacky and somewhat unfortunate events, I am now all alone on a train in Portugal and I can honestly say that I love my life right now. That is something that I really hoped to be able to say one day.

I am heading to a city that I had never before considered visiting, surrounded by people who don't speak my language, and I love it. I am still unsure where I am going in life. Well, currently my destination is Porto but I meant in the grander scheme of things. I still don't know "what I want to be when I grow up", I don't even know where my next destination on this trip will be. Yet I am completely okay with that.

Last night while talking to a gentleman in my hostel, our conversation veered in this direction. I told him this general back story, then we talked about how I don't know where I will go next, and how I was trying to decide. After discussing this for a bit he just looked at me with a wistful look and told me he genuinely envied my life. I was shocked. I have never been someone who others envied. I was always envying others. I thought about this for a moment, and that is actually when I realized my life had turned crazy and beautiful without me even realizing it. I let that sink in, then with a big grin I told him that I envied my life too.

So many missteps and mistakes have led me here but no matter how much those hurt I wouldn't change any of them, because the end result is everything I always hoped it would be. Now I know that bad things will continue to happen. My life is not magically charmed now because I dared to look beyond the borders I had set up around my life. I'm still going to miss my trains, feel lonely and get lost in strange cities. But it is ok, because hard times only make the good times brighter. Going out and fighting for your dreams make them that much more worth it.

So if I can impart any wisdom to you it would be this. Do what it takes to fall in love with your crazy, beautiful life. Take chances. Fail. Succeed. Just do it. You may not end up where you expect to, but maybe you will end up somewhere wonderful all the same. Go and find your crazy beautiful life. I found mine.

-D